Big Green Underwear

You WILL wear them and be happy.

I would like to own a business. Maybe a business that sells, say… big green underwear.

One size only. Size XXXL. My company has chugged along well enough. But then, wait! What is this? I have a ‘friendly’ who works in the capital of The World and they have been talking to people who make laws and represent people and stuff. A bunch of no-good-dirty-rotten-scoundrels will all make lots of money perpetrating evil upon clueless citizens. And worldwide, people are buying what they recommend and what I sell. A match made in heaven hell.

Dirty is as dirty does and my friend is so persuasive that he has made the deal to make us rich rich rich! Wow! I am already picking out what farm animals I will need on the private island I buy. (Think Jack Dorsey)

Turns out, this deal is a MANDATE that will force ALL PEOPLE to wear the giant green underwear that I manufacture. Not everyone wants to wear these giant green XXXL underwear, because, well, they are giant. And we might prefer going commando. Or it goes against our underwearing principles. Period.

These giant green underwear could be a hazard because they were made from fibers found at a toxic waste dump. But, hey, if we could get giant green underwear forced upon everyone in the whole world, who cares?! We would be rich…so foxtrotting rich. And Elite. The Elitest of The Elite.

But wait. What is this? Your underwear is dissolving and now you are getting shit stains on your pants? Well! Let’s get another pair of giant green underwear mandated, by the government.

You must wear the new pair of giant green underwear over the first one. I have one sweet deal here. A government telling private citizens they have to wear my company’s giant green underwear. Don’t worry! They are free to YOU. The government is paying my company billions of dollars to buy these mandated giant green underwear, created with fibers from a toxic waste dump. It’s okay. Super okay. Because the government knows what is best for you, it loves you and just wants to cuddle. (If you are a woman, we all know the ending to that story. If you are a man reading this…you know what I am talking about, don’t pretend that you don’t.)

So, with 2 pair of giant green underwear under the peasant’s belts, business goes on. And on and on. What is this? Your 2 pair of giant green underwear are disintegrating? Oh no! We did not see that one coming. Honest engine! (yes, I know. ENGINE.) Turns out our buddies on The One-World Government Hill will pay us even more money and tell you that you have to wear a THIRD pair of giant green underwear over the other two, the remains of which are being absorbed into your body because you can never take them off once you put them on. EVER. No “going commando” again. It will protect you against everything bad that they are going to unleash upon the peasantry by the end of the decade. Nothing to see here. Just trust them.

Giant green underwear always and forever. But, evil CEO that I am…I am not happy or evil enough, so I buy MSM. I am Facebook. I am CNN. I am Fox News. I tell people that, even though I can’t see through their pants, I know their giant green underwear is dissolving. I ‘suggest’ that a 4th green pair of giant underwear be worn. Citizens ask ‘Oh, when is this all going to end?’

But hello darlin’.…the cuddling is over and you know what happens next. OH! Wait! Is that a cigarette in my hand? Yep, it happened. Where were you?

mandate (n.)

c. 1500, "a command, a judicial or legal order," from French mandat (15c.) and directly from Latin mandatum "commission, command, order," noun use of neuter past participle of mandare "to order, commit to one's charge," literally "to give into one's hand," probably from manus "hand" (from PIE root *man- (2) "hand") + dare "to give" (from PIE root *do- "to give").

mandatory (adj.)

1570s, "of the nature of a mandate, containing a command," from Late Latin mandatorius "pertaining to a mandator" (one who gives a charge or command), from Latin mandatus, past participle of mandare (see mandate (n.)). Sense of "obligatory because commanded" is from 1818.