Fabulous forty. Forty is the new twenty. Ha! You might think I am talking about my age. I wish…but do I? It has literally been 40 years since I graduated from high school. Apparently there was also rampant inflation the same year, but hey, what did I know?! I knew this day would come. I am not wishing otherwise. I know there are many who have never been blessed enough to reach this milestone. Inside, I still feel like I am 14 years old; unsure, uncertain, incapable, insecure and just not ready to be adulting so hard. Then I look in the mirror and reality hits. Yeah, there is no room for all those childhood insecurities in the woman that I am, so I squash those inadvertent feelings and move on.
I know there are people who wish they could go back. I am not one of them. Growing is a painful process and I am glad all that nonsense is behind me. I did join Classmates.com so I can see how school friends have fared in the little tidbits I can glean. Ok. Stalking. Comparing. Thanking God for unanswered prayers. That kind of thing. No lie!
I think about the girl who graduated at 18 and I try to find her in the woman that I am now. As hard as I look, I only find a crumbled human foundation, a mere small step in the journey that has been my life. I thank God that H
e didn’t answer the fervent prayers of a silly teenager and immature young woman and slammed doors in my face when He needed to. I look back and search my mind for the things I thought I wanted. I see them and recoil in horror. To think that anyone below the age of, say, 25 is fully grown up, should really think again. Thank you Jesus for always having me!! I have never stopped growing and learning, despite myself. And from what my 94 year old mom says…the learning and growing never stop. I am down with that.
I have made many poor choices in my life and I live with decisions that will haunt me forever. But, the woman who sits here now is the result of every single day up until this moment and I would not change that for a lifetime of free coffee. As my eyes look inward, I see in me, the accumulation of 58 years worth of living. All the choices I have made are packed up into who I have become. I own these. I would not want to go back and do one thing differently. Oh yes…I see where changes and improvements could have been made. But, I also see that God not only teaches and rewards us in the good moments, but in the bad as well. As a matter of fact, good times rarely build character. It is in the hard times that we pull up and see what we are truly made of (and others see that as well). Bad times make us appreciate the good, if we are paying attention. If we are not, then that crap you just went through was all for nothing. If you can not pack it into yourself and be better after a bad time, then what can come of that bad? Nothing. And…it will have been wasted. My past is part of who I am, but it does not define me. The good, the great, the bad, the worse have all combined to build my character and I own it. All these things have led me, one day at a time, to my destiny. Each choice, no matter how small, has been an integral part of hoisting me to where I am today.
I have learned that to give advice to loved ones is not healthy. If you do this, and they act on your “advice” and it was not the right decision for them, you are now to blame. Better, if at all possible, to remain silent.
Do not let any experience go to waste. If you have just come through a hard time, use it to become a better person, not a wretched soul. If you are in a good place, savor the joy of life and the graciousness of God.
Expect the worst. You will never be disappointed. This may sound cynical, but behavior of the human race is becoming particularly unreliable in this day and age. It is almost like it has left all obligation to be good far behind.
Pray about everything.
Love harder. Hate less.
Don’t hold a grudge because it only wears on you from the inside out and makes you ugly.
Cherish your humans.
Nobody is perfect. Don’t expect that.
Ask yourself….would YOU go back and do it all over if you could?