I know none of you have played Solitaire on your computer. But, for the few that have and can admit it in group…out loud, you will totally get it.
After a grueling 3 minutes of scrolling the news, I needed a get away. So, I start a game of Solitaire on the computer. No! Not with real cards, silly. Such a mess! Anyway, after about 2 minutes of play, the little box comes up. “Hey…you lost! You can 1.) Try Again 2.)New Game or 3.) Exit Game. Ummm, I am playing with all my cards, right? Check. I didn’t miss anything? No. Then, why on earth would I want to “try again” when I know the outcome will be the same? I did it right the first time, or at least I thought it was the right way. But now the bot is telling me I could try again. Hmmm. Same game, same order and it will be the same outcome. So, why would I do that?? I must have missed doing it the right way the first time and it says I can have a do over from the beginning. I don’t want to. I want a new game! It’s not like William Gates and his game creating minions deliberately taunt us with the old ethical conundrum of repeating the same behavior and expecting different outcomes as “they” watch us through our Windows. Windows work 2 ways. You can see out and you can see in, it just depends upon where you are at any given moment. So..politely declining their offer and making a pact that I wasn’t going to give up until I won a game, I clicked on NEW GAME. And, I won in about 1 minute and got to see all the cards bouncing and exploding. Wooohooo. Better than the news anyday. I stopped on the win.
I am currently looking out my window at the beautiful mountains and gently rolling landscape in the forefront. I am very blessed to have such a wonderful view. I am not so sure anyone would feel the same way if they were looking IN my windows at the present. As usual, I am sitting here at my writing desk, groomed to perfection and my house is spotless. As am I. I am in my best outfit and ready to meet whatever gets gently tossed in my direction. Yeah. Right. No. I am in sweats, sitting on a couch, covered in a dustcloth with a cat sitting on the back of said couch. I am slumping and my stomach is making weird noises. I do not recognize myself in the mirror and I make myself want to call the cops because I think maybe an intruder is in house. I am ready to meet dumpage. There is no gently tossing the news around these days. We are hit full on with new honey huts everyday.
I am glad nobody is watching me. Well, except for “them”. But, we will save that for another day if I am not abducted by aliens first.
We try to communicate as best we can. We really do try. It usually involves talking. Our family, friends and neighbors might or might not really listen to what we say, but do they really hear? We can spew word salads (I love that new idiom) until the bowl is full, but hearing is different matter. People are watching us. They are watching what we do and how we do it. They see how we treat other people and our family. They might be just passively watching, but it will make an impression on them nonetheless. So, if one talks about the evils of the drink, yet sneaks into the local speakeasy after midnight, well, the action speaks WAY louder than the words. People find out stuff and are happy to spread the word, especially if it is bad-not-good-stuff.
The good news is that we can be saved from ourselves. Jesus does that. We can be transformed and it is the most amazing thing ever. Speakeasy Susie can become a child of God and her ways will change. She will NOT want to behave badly. The desire will be gone. Poof. Just like that. No pain for ole’ Susie if she is sincere in her prayer for Jesus to come into her heart, forgive her of her sin and begin a good work in her. Her old self drops away and she becomes new. New hope, new life and new perspectives. This is only the beginning.
As a child of God we should know better. We need to lead with our actions and not with our words. People are watching. Yes, if you know me, I have behaved badly. I am the worst without Christ. I have known a better way since I was 5 years old, but that doesn’t mean I have lived a perfect life. I have stumbled, fallen and made poor choices and downright dangerous decisions. I have drank too much and driven when I wasn’t capable. I have taken drugs. I have been mean, spiteful and judgmental. I have sinned in many different ways and I am not going to lie. I am not going spit stuff out here and pretend that I am better than anyone because I am NOT. My journey in Christ began when I was five and boy, I sure loved Jesus. I always have, but a child’s love is totally pure and unadulterated. As I grew in years and in my spiritual walk, many things were implanted deep inside me. I attended church twice a week and went to AWANA and was a Missionette. I attended Christian schools, always learning as only a child can, about the Bible in stories, memory verses and the songs I took home in my heart. My grandmothers were both strong women of God, always praying for us.
I went from a Christian school to a public high school in Red Bluff California. Talk about culture shock. Nothing had prepared me for that in any way, shape or form. They actually played rock and roll during an all school assembly! Wow. I was blown away. I was so not ready to be tossed to the wolves of the world. And…all those boys! I was in my teenage girl version of heaven. Many of those boys were cowboys. In Wranglers. And the football players! And there were dances! So…I was well on my way to conveniently not remembering the foundation my life had been built upon thus far.
I can look back now and see the progression into society approved behavior. School was my society and everyone was doing it, so I happily joined in. This led to a relationship with the Lord that was convenient for me when I wanted it. Always in the bad times. Usually involving prayer that a certain boy would notice me. I did love Steinbeck in Literature class, but other than that it was the All Boy Channel. All the time. God never left me, but I left him. Not on purpose, but I drifted away. Slowly, ever so slowly what I knew to be real disappeared under the acceptance of the society I was currently moving amongst. I have done bad stuff. I freely admit it. Just how bad is open to speculation, but really, don’t even try. I have always been a child of God. I am forgiven. But, until not too long ago, it was a sporadic and sputtering thing on my part. This is hard to admit, but I was a “Christian” when it was convenient for me or when times were tough. I know the Lord has never forsaken me. I know that while I thought I was waiting on the Lord, He was waiting on me. Waiting on me to come to a place in my life where I knew the truth and live the truth. So…those who are reading this and know me personally, just know that I know you saw. But that is over and gone and forgiven. No more thinking and dwelling upon the past. Being of the mindset that “I wish that never happened to me” or “I wish I hadn’t done that”, cannot come into play. Because without those life experiences I would not be the person I am. It has all combined to create a wonderful walk with the Almighty and a strong inner core that has always been there, but I had stifled it. All those memory verses easily come back to me, these things that were ingrained in me many moons ago. So, I get to try again! Life starts here, growth starts here. Today. Now. From this moment hence forward. I will try again…but not the old way.
I am created as enough. I know that together with God I am a work in progress and I am not giving up. Well, I am giving up; giving up the bad behavior and all the habits that make excellence in Christ hard to attain. You can watch. I will look out my window and see you watching me and assessing me. I get that. I will stumble, I might fall and I will struggle. We are created as humans and will always be human. God doesn’t want us to give that up. He wants us to overcome it. So, as I strive to be an Overcomer in my long journey of being God’s daughter, I have complete confidence that I am made in His image and He loves me beyond all measure. The best is yet to come.