It's Just So Hard
A Glimpse Over The Hill...
Apologies in advance. I write about something super deep one day and then I write about something like this. I am just a human girl and if I don’t find humor (even if it is naughty) in my everyday, I will cry. I know there are terrible things going on in the world and maybe I should write about that instead of this. ↓↓ So…if you are prudish or easily offended by my take on reality, feel free to skip this one. I won’t hold it against you.♥ Now you are like.."What could this possibly be about?”
*********************************
Spending part of a year in Florida and part in Idaho gives me a unique perspective on 2 lifestyles. My observations on one part of a Florida existence are below.
Here in the Sunshine State, I try to swim at least an hour a day. We live in a 55+ community and I am one of the youngest in here….Not 60 yet!! The majority of residents are in their 70s and 80s.
Swimming like I do, for one hour, burns 400 calories. Now I can eat 10 street tacos instead of 3 and still fit into my jeans.
Setting the scene at the community pool:
The majority who enter the pool yard go into the pool noodle shed (yes, it is a real place) and grab a brightly colored floatie pool pasta. Then they congregate in the shallow end of the pool, bobbing up and down like they are on a carousel. Only, instead of a carved wooden horse between their legs, there is a neon foam noodle. It appears and disappears with the gently lapping, highly chlorinated water, as the geriatric oscillate up and down.
And don’t get me started on Water Aerobics Day. The 84 year old instructor/drill sargeant yelling “ COWBOY! COWBOY! COWBOY!” at the old ladies as they waggle around the shallow end on their respective noodle steeds. I look around, because I think she is shouting that there is a real live cowboy somewhere around here! I get giddy-up with anticipation. Then I realize it is a water aerobics move. Damn.
I am living in Cocoon. Sigh.
The pool area speakers blare obnoxious ‘light hits’ from the 70’s (if we are lucky) and the 80’s (if we are not). I spent my youth in the 80’s, and even I think that music sucks. Can someone change the station?
Everyday I can count on hearing Michael, Madonna and WHAM. Maybe even Cyndi Lauper, if I am super un-lucky. I can name all the songs and those that sing them. Where is Van Halen? Boston? CCR? Styx? They are not here.
But, since it is an actual radio station, there are commercials. And, all the aging pool patrons are forced to hear them, along with super shitty music. I do not listen to radio or watch TV because of commercials. So…imagine my disgusted surprise, when a very loud advertisement came over the communal speakers telling a bunch of white haired senior citizens, innocently floating around on their pool noodles, about erectile dysfunction. I seriously can’t even…
The words of the erectile dysfunction ad just kill me, slowly, softly, with the words. From the deep end, I observe the species in the shallows as this advertisement trumpets relief for, well, you know. Maybe it is a good thing they are deaf.
The man in the ad asks in a booming voice “Do you or someone you love suffer from Erectile Dysfunction, otherwise known as ED? Our clinic specializes in making sure that is never an issue again! Our knowledgeable staff can answer any questions you may have. Just call 1-800-BONER for your appointment today! Our team is standing by and ready to help. Our trained professionals and medication can help you see results even before you leave our office!” Ummm…come again? Does that mean you would get a high hard one right there in the office? I picture the team including hooker, a movie titled Armageddon It On and maybe a line of blow.
The disclaimer doesn’t make me feel ANY better. “Results may vary. Results may last anywhere from 90 minutes to 4 hours. Not responsible for any damage a 4 hour erection might cause.” Yep. They actually said this out loud. On the radio. YHTBFKM!?
“Oh goody…a 4 hour hard-on! That is super-duper-wonderfully-fabulous!” said no woman ever. As a matter of fact, IMHO, it sounds like a total nightmare. I bet nobody asked their wives/girlfriends/the old lady next door how they felt about it.
That’s all we need here in Florida. A bunch of old geezers running around with a woody and nowhere to put it. From what I have heard, there is no, um, well…mess at the end of a blue pill induced “I need it now, you are so sexy” encounter. Well, that doesn’t sound like a happy ending. There is no ‘just getting it over with’ because it just goes on and on. Yeah, no. Just leave us alone.
The drug is used ‘off label’ and was originally a cardio-vascular drug with a happy side effect.
From BBC…
Viagra was used to treat nearly 30m men in its first ten years
Thanks Pfizer. Again.
And..the little-old-pool-gals continue to obliviously bounce around on their phallic floaties as the obnoxious ED proclamation continues ad nauseam. I do my best to swim underwater in the deep end until the ad is over. Unfortunately, it is commercial radio, bought and paid for by drug pushers sponsors and this will not be the last time I will be forced to listen to the prop-it-up-aganda. Bah!
Just what every 55+ community needs…a bunch of old men with blue steel in their sweat-pants. Hard pass to that. Run ladies.
Hahahahaha That was hilarious!!! I was laughing out loud while reading this. Your sense of humor comes out in your writing and it’s great. Such great lines. Everything perfectly descriptive. A much needed break from all the happenings of life. Thank you!
I like this glimpse SadieJay. You are just naturally funny and endearing. (An hour a day of swimming! Go, you. And yes, it's worth it for the extra tacos!)
A welcome break from the metaphorical pricks running our world into ruin.